Five Years Later...

It's been five years since I posted in this blog.
The short version:

We are still living in the small town that we moved to.
Our oldest dog, Belle, died from kidney failure last year at 15yrs. Her son, Cajun, is now following in her footsteps. He has early kidney disease and arthritis, he's 13.
We added a jack russel to our family about four yrs ago. All was fine until Belle died. Since then, it's been a constant battle of dominance with out older boy.

My oldest daughter graduated from high school and is finishing her second year of college studying languages.
My youngest daughter, the headstrong one, is looking towards a future in computer programming.

They have both turned out wonderful, no matter how I screwed up as a parent. Oh, they're a little lazy, but otherwise lovable, smart, kind, and so on.

My husband and I get along pretty darn well for 20 yrs of marriage. We still have fallouts, but not the petty stuff. We just have more patience, tolerance, and understanding that our quirks are not going to change.

My work has been crazy as usual. Being a contractor in construction has been tough in the recession, but we're making it. I am in the midst of changing contracts again, even now.

I was baptized two yrs ago. Just want to thank God for everything. Thanks, God!

Moving Motorcycle Dog Life

Sunday, our dog Cajun, his ear swelled up. Monday I took him to the vet where they informed me he had a hematoma - a broken blood vessel - and needed surgery. He went through surgery great. They had to put one of those big cone collars around his neck. Poor thing was miserable about that and running into stuff. Actually it was kind of funny in a sad way. He'd crash into something and just stop, then his head would hang lower in such a hang-dog expression and we'd go help him move. After the first two days though, he perked up and was his normal jovial self.
Friday, I took him in to change his bandages. They had to sedate him again. Only when I picked him up, something seemed wrong. And as the sedation wore off when I got him home, he was crying constantly. And he was rubbing his good ear. I tried shifting his bandages and he actually tried to bite me, so I though maybe his bandages were pulling his hair or something.
The regular vet was closed so I took him to the emergency vet. They had to sedate him again, poor baby, and they redid his bandages and shaved some hair, etc. He's home now, and whimpered a few times, but otherwise has seemed much better.

Well, we've been moving and packing. Today, I also rented a truck to haul the rest of the furniture. We were supposed to be loading it when I had to take him to the vet. So a whole lot of packing did not get done. And I only rented it for one day, supposed to be back tomorrow. Rush rush.

Alex is frustrated because we're having trouble getting internet set up for the new place due to its rural location. Really, so am I. Heh.

Amanda has been so good. She had her 9th birthday Sunday. We had a good day. I hid one of her presents, a Sonic comic, and gave her rhyming clues to find it. She enjoyed that. And she got a Sonic tshirt and dvd episodes.
When we were in Chicago, I spent some time talking to my brother about some of the issues Amanda has had over the years, our whole family, etc. And some of the issues he had with her, trying to explain why she is who she is. He admitted, it shed a lot of understanding.
But now that we're home and even though things are crazy, she's not a bad kid. Not at all.

I'm really very proud of her and all she's come through to become the person she is. She's a little rough around the edges. She's not a good socializer right now, and can purposefully be annoying as an attention getting thing. But she has a good heart.

She also went to the orthodontist the other day and they said she does not need braces right now. They put her on button therapy, where she sucks on a button to help strengthen her lips, because she's also a mouth breather. Anyway, they said it will help and said they'll see her in six months.

The hubby is great. We haven't argued in a while. Re the moving, we finally agreed to get separate beds, but will sleep in the same room. He's also spent some money I'm not happy about, but it's just money.
Every since that stupid thing with the coworker and his wife, I just look at my husband and I'm really happy with what I have.
I think moving has set different things in motion for the hubby as well, as he has more zest for life. We still bicker - stupid stuff like where to put the furniture, how to do the yard, but there's a lot more love and tolerance behind it.
I'm a little worried about his work. They said they can't promise him all days and it scares me that they might slowly put him into nights again and all our hard work will be messed up. But I'm going to remain hopeful.

One funny thing that happened. A while back I mentioned he'd bought a motorcycle and the bizarre rationalization that went with it. Well Amanda needed some pictures for class for Fathers Day cards they were making, so I printed out some pictures of her sitting on her daddy's bike. About a week later she starts telling me that daddy does not have the same bike and when she asked daddy he said it was, but she kept calling him a liar. I yelled at her about it, because I had also mentioned to him at one point that I didn't remember his bike being dark blue, thought it was black, and he said it was just the light.

Well, the more I thought, I finally went back and really looked at the pics and then the bike and it Was a different bike! WTF?! So I called Alex in and asked her, is there anything you want to tell me about the bike - because she rides with him all the time. She freaked out. And I slammed her. But to me it was funny. I mean, I was pissed, because she'd kept this secret, but her daddy told her to, so I can't really blame her, she was in a bad position.

So then I confronted the hubby the same way. He knew he was soo busted. I was mad, but I guess because I'd figured it out it was also kind of amusing to me how they were reacting.
Anyway, I made him apologize to Amanda for lying to her and getting her in trouble with me, and then made him apologize to Alex for putting her in a position of betrayal. He was very contrite for the most part. He had not bought a new bike, but traded the new one for another new one because he was having problems already. But he had hidden it.

I used the whole situation to once again point out to the everyone that Mom will Always find out what someone is doing, sooner or later, and there is no escape.

Stranger at the Wheel

The dream first, then the reality.

I dreamed a bunch of cars were racing around a track. I was doing something with my car, standing by it as it rolled on the track, and they were strangers in my car, or maybe distant family members. Anyway, I needed something on the drivers side, but I was on the passenger side. I knew if I walked around and on to the track, I'd get run over, and if I let go of the car it was going to keep going without me. I finally let go, because it would be too dangerous, and went to find the kids.
I found them and then my Dad drove over and he picked up Alex, but he left the door open. I was climbing in and he kept driving off when I'd get in. Then when I was in, he drove right past Amanda, with the idea she'd be fine in the place. But I wasn't comfortable with that. He kept driving with the doors open, and I finally made him stop and told him he is not to drive around with my kids with the car doors open.
End dream.

I know that in dreams, cars and roads signal life and the road of life. So I figure that strangers in my car and my inablitiy to control it means I feel life is out of control. Recently, we just finished a trip with Dad where things weren't going as planned. Anyway, the dream is just mirroring life.

So, in REAL life, things are out of control. We bought the new home. It required us to take out a large equity loan on our current home. So we now have four mortgages to pay - our old home, the second equity line, the crappy trailer, and the new home. We still have money left over from the loan, which we'll use to make payments until we get the house sold.

We've spent weeks packing, we have so much junk. We've thrown away tons of stuff, and still too much.

Me and the girls just got back from two weeks in Chicago and Iowa, and I even asked to leave early because things weren't quite getting done here. And I go back to work tomorrow.

I need to get back to packing and catch this up later. Just to remind myself what I wanted to talk about:::
the trip, dad, mom, the brother, Amanda,Alex, iowa, the moving, my dog.

One of the Guys on God's Path

May 2007

I work in construction - a male dominated business. I always think of myself as one of the guys. I talk shop, fishing, hunting, building, etc.

Well, since we've been looking at property, my husband has decided to go back into management and they have an opening in the area we're looking at, so we started looking really hard and I was going up there looking at property on the weekends, etc.
One of the guys at work got more involved because we were looking near his area, and he's a carpenter so he was giving lots of advice on building homes and such, he'd even built his own house.
He'd invited me up to see it plenty of times, and one time while up there looking at a piece of land, I finally dropped in to see it. It was a very nice place, some wonderful stonework around the fire place and all. He also showed me his chickens and some huge turkeys. His wife came home a few minutes after and we all sat on their porch chatting and enjoying the evening. It was really nice. And he later told me she had also worked with horses, so that made it even cooler that there would be someone nearby whom I could ask for advice when I got my own horse.

The following week, I took the kids with me to look at property and they started asking about the chicks, so I called over there and he was home so we went to visit. The girls loved the baby chicks. They played with them a few minutes and he had some neighbors over so we chatted awhile, and then we went to walk his ten acres and see the creek. The neighbors left as they'd seen it. It was hot, but the girls didn't complain too much and we made it around, had some tea and called it a day.

Monday, he comes into work and tells me his wife thinks we're having an affair! We talked over this a bit and I offered to talk to her but he told me to let it blow over that she does this sometimes.
Wednesday, his wife calls me! She pretty much made all kinds of accusations, told me he was always cheatig on her and she knows the signs because he's always talking about me. And she was mad that I'd visited when she wasn't there, and mad that I'd bought him a burger a couple times, and he knew too much about my family, and he talked bad about my husband so obviously that was coming from me, etc. And that we were moving there so I could be closer to him!

Well, first, I explained I'm one of the guys and buying a burger for someone is nothing. I apologized for breaking whatever rule there is about visiting people when their partner isn't home. We've been working together over a year, so yeah, you're going to talk about people you work with a lot. And, we're moving there, because we want to get back to the country and because my husband had decided to go back into management and he would be transferred to the area.
And as for my husband, I was honestly offended that he was saying bad things about my husband. I may gripe about my husband in my journal, but I don't talk that way in public, and in fact, he'd said something bad one time here, and I told him not to talk about my husband that way - called him a burger flipper - which is the words she used also. But regardless, that also gave her the impression that it was me saying these things.

Anyway, she told me to stay away, she'd stomp me in the ground, she's send a letter to the company, all kinds of crap. Yeah, I can stay away, but you're not going to be sending anything to anyone cause it's a lie.
I ended up telling my bosess what was going on just so they'd be forewarned if they did get a letter.

And then for the next two weeks, I was traumatized over this. I wasn't as upset about the accusations because it's a misunderstanding on her part. What really stung, was I liked her and thought we'd have a group of friends to hang with when we moved. Instead we'll have enemies. And it's a small town. That, is what upset me most.

I even told the hubby we wouldn't move now. But he pointed out that if I'm innocent, then I have nothing to worry about, and he was right. My husband has stood by my side through all this, supported me and helped me feel better about it.

Whatever else my hubby is guilty of, this proved to me that he will stand by my side. I feel proud, and it strengthened our relationship.

Because of all this ugliness, it has made my marriage stronger, and my family stronger! And, it also caused me to look further from the area where we were looking in, so that we did find a property we liked!

I've done tons of praying about buying property, where to live, my marriage and everything. And I really believe that what happened was a blessing in disguise. Okay, it was ugliness, but without it, we wouldn't be stronger, and we wouldn't have found what we were looking for.

After that mess, in desperation I flipped open the bible and it landed on a page about some guy who'd been accused of crimes, and God said that wicked lies shall not win. And that too made me stronger, like he was leading us down a path. So also, I am now closer to God! I feel really good about all this. I think about that one issue and it makes me feel sick, but I know now that God has a plan for us, so I'll keep praying, and praising, and following our path.

Thank you, God!

Horsepower

I finally bought another car. Grand Marquis 95 in blue. It looks just like the white Crown Vic in body style, which I still have. And I paid cash, so no car payments. I bought it last month - everything works, the windows, odometer, etc.
When I drove to work and the guards asked for my pass, he said, "Finally got your window fixed?"
Ha! nope, new car.

The hubby is still working, I guess about 30 hrs a week.

Amanda goes through phases of excellence and temper tantrums, but every day is always better than the day before.

She never has recovered from her first horse riding experience. She fell off twice when the horse spooked and took off. She still likes horses, but now she won't ride one. It's been six months.

Alex took right to it with no problems.

But after only those two lessons, I cancelled them.

I ended up going to a local stable and signing myself up for lessons, which I've had three now I think. I love it. Love it so much. It makes me want a horse even more. I'm definitely going to have my own horse.
I take Amanda with me during the week just to hang around the stable and feed the horses.
Alex doesn't really want to go again unless she's taking lessons.

We're winding down the contract at work, in the last month before turnover. It's nervewracking. Boss called and gave me a heads up for the next contract which will be similar to this one, but a little further away from home. I'm good with that.

My back hurts constantly, the newspaper injury darn it. I really try not to complain about it, but it does affect my quality of life and ability to do things. It's hard to explain it to the kids.

We're still property shopping. I'm tired of it.

Our oldest dog has finally gone deaf. It's sad. But she's still a good girl and tries hard to pay attention to what we're all doing so she can keep up.

Silly Things

We decided today that Birdy is a female budgie. I mentioned that it means she could lay eggs.
Amanda asked, "What kind of eggs?" She's eight.

The other night I told Alex I'd seen a mini-horse for sale only 22 inches tall. So we measured our dog and he was about the same. She asked, "Does that mean he's a horse?" She's fifteen.

Superior Music

Alex had three musical performances in front of judges last Friday.
Her clarinet chorus with band received a superior rating. Superior is the best you can get.
And then she did a solo with piano accompaniment. She flubbed a little starting out, but worked her way smooth. She was certain she'd bombed it. But again, a superior.
And then she had a trio with some bandmates, and we're assuming another superior because it was pretty good.

Amanda has taken interest in guitar and has joined the Guitar Club at her elementary school. Her and her daddy went out and bought a case for the guitar. She's using the one he'd bought Alex a while back that she never uses. I think it's pretty much Amanda's now. She's learned the beginning chords to three songs so far. But, she doesn't know the actual chords, like A or E, just where to put her fingers. Well, it's a start and she's sounding pretty good.

house hunting

Been looking for a new home for many months now.
I've narrowed it down to wanting about three acres.
I'm going to look at another property tomorrow.
But I feel like giving up. Been looking so long.

I think I've worked out the three acres: about 1/2 for the house and garden, 1/2 for hubby's workshop, 1/2 for barn and pen, and 1 whole for pasture. Yeah, I keep thinking I'd really like to have a horse.

Our original motives for moving were to get the kids into the country, working in a farm type setting. Thought it might build character and teach responsibility. But it's starting to look as if it were too late for that.

Today, realized the kids are pretty much how they're going to be from this point on. Keep praying to God to help me change some things, repair lives, and so on. He knows what we need. And maybe three acres of farm is not in his plans for the girls. I don't know. I have hopes that things will work out.

Motorcycle Madness

Marriage - It works right now. The hubby has added an extra day to his scedule. Mostly to pay for the darn motorcycle he went out and bought.

This is a prime example of communication problems. I mention to him that I'm having problems with my car and the check engine light is coming on, etc. I'm thinking of taking it in. Maybe keep my eye for another car - just like it of course.

Two days later, he buys a motorcycle, and not a used one, but brand new. His rationale?? Since My car is breaking down, I might need to borrow his truck, so he better buy a motorcycle so that he has transportation.

The first thing he does when he buys it is to call me at work and apologize! Why? Because he knew it was wrong even though he rationalized it.

Aaagh! (sigh)
You know, there's really nothing I can do. It's not like he can take it back. So I shrug it off.
So, he's had it for a week, and the carbeurator goes out. He has to take it to their shop and get it fixed. One week, brand new! Wtf?!

On the up side, he's been cooking a lot of dinners, and attempting to clean house since he's been home more. Except this week...

Well I did get us hi-speed internet for xmas, and yes, it's cool, but he's a little addicted to it right now. Hoepfully it'll wear off soon.


Kids - kids are... I dunno.

I barely see Alex anymore. She's always in her room. She comes out to forage for food, and disappears again.
I suspect some of this is due to wanting her privacy, and suspect some is due to the constant bickering between me and her sister. I wouldn't want to be around it either if I didn't have to.
I think I've taught her everything I can, and it's really just a need to set her loose on the world now so she can practice what I preached all these years.
I've thought hard about it and I Can recall being that age. It's definitely time for more independence.

Amanda - No matter how hard I try, she is her own person. Some days I look in her eyes while she's telling me how She is going to do something and I see my brother.
And so often it's like she's two people. I know she won't be running around at age 30 screaming poopoo-head at everyone, but it's still hard to enforce that hey, we don't call people that.

I asked her this morning what her three favorite things are.
1. playing video games
2. drawing
3. um, video games

She wanted to know why I asked. So I explained (briefly, due to her short attention span with me) that at age nine, she is required to develop life and hobby skills, and I wanted to know where we should start. I think that kind of threw her, so maybe she'll think about it.

The girls have their first horseriding lesson on Saturday. Maybe that will change things.

Work - I feel a desire to runaway. Management sucks. I love the pay, I love my hours. I like the people, and the type of work. I don't like the responsibility when somthing goes wrong.
I've been looking at college courses, travel options, trade skill options, etc. to see how I can stay in this line of work, without the stress.

I've pretty much defeated my bulimia. Yea me!

And Thanks Lord!

Work Pressure Switcheroo

Tired.
I want to jot down all that's been going on. So much stuff.
Right now I'm at work. Stressed. Contract is supposed to be done in February and we aren't going to make deadline. We're pushing hard.
Not getting along with the new manager. Well, she's okay. But she looks over my shoulder a lot, I'm not used to that, and don't like it much. Makes me feel like I'm not doing good enough.
Pissing off the contractors as well. Demanding safety and deadlines.

The hubby went back to work for the same company. Only he's not a manager anymore and he works part time - thurs. fri. and sat. So he's still bringing in money, without all the stress. And not as much money, but as long as the bils get paid, I'm okay with his hours. And it'd be nice if he kept up the house since he has more days off.

The kids seem to be enjoying his schedule.